Haymitch Abernathy isn't allowed to
by Zelda12343
Summary: Ever wondered if Haymitch has a goofy side? Well, wonder no more and take a look at this list! Rated T for some of the things he does.
1. Chapter 1

**Haymitch Abernathy isn't allowed to…**

**Author's note: **_Surely at least some of you have seen these lists of 'What I'm not allowed to do', right? Well, since I couldn't find any for the Hunger Games (review and tell me if there are), and I figured that Haymitch works best for all of these. I have blended jokes from all three books, so if things seem amiss, sorry. Also, you might wonder why I picked Haymitch, but I figured because of his drunkenness, he might be a bit goofed up. Also, it's really funny to imagine._

_BTW, I did fifty. The numbers didn't save when I uploaded it.  
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Not allowed to kiss Effie Trinket onstage. Hugs are different, though.

Finnick Odair isn't 'After me lucky charms'. Nor is it appropriate to tell the tributes that on his mentoring year.

He's not even Irish. Names mean nothing.

Enobaria isn't the great-granddaughter of Edward Cullen.

Whoever that is.

Offering tributes some of my booze because they're all going to die anyway is tasteless and tacky, not a good way to make sure that the tributes at least enjoy their last days.

Telling the rabid fangirls where Finnick's room is was only funny the first time.

Godzilla's not going to step on the arena and force the Hunger Games to be postponed or cancelled.

So there is no excuse for my lack of trying to get my tributes sponsors.

Chuck Norris wasn't the victor of the first Hunger Games.

Beetee is the only one who gets to finish Wiress' sentences for her. I am not allowed to.

Dressing in drag will only scare Finnick, not make him come after me for the entertainment of the other victors.

Gloss, on the other hand, might be able to pull it off.

*Just added* I am not allowed to voice that opinion in front of Gloss. Or Cashmere, for that matter.

No tribute in his or her right mind would ever put a whoopee cushion on President Snow's chair, so I might as well not ask.

I'm not allowed to ask the morphlings, Annie Cresta, or Wiress either. They might not be in their right minds, but the morphlings are too funny to die, Finnick would kill me if I got near Annie Cresta, and I'm not really sure _what _Beetee would do seeing as I don't really know how he feels about Wiress, but I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy with the result.

Neither of the morphlings are related to Gollum

'Fire and Icing' is Katniss and Peeta's codename, not ingredients in a science experiment.

If Cashmere loses her hairbrush, it's rude to run around and scream, "THE WORLD IS ENDING!"

Giving the morphlings colored chemicals and seeing if they actually use them for paint is dangerous for them and for the rest of us, too.

Sending Snow a Mockingjay pin for his birthday is just asking for it.

Claiming that I am drunk won't help me in that situation.

Suggesting to get an alien translator installed for Mags, the morphlings, and possibly Wiress will get Finnick mad at me.

Saying that Wiress already has an alien translater and then watching Beetee's reaction will somehow cause me to become injured. It doesn't matter that neither of the District 3 victors are very strong, they know how to create dangerous devices at the drop of a hat.

Asking Katniss whether she is Team Edward or Team Jacob will cause confusion or anger, not laughter.

President Coin and President Snow aren't a match made in heaven, and it is wrong of me to say so in front of one of them.

Asking Octavia how many peas she eats to get her skin that color is a joke that's lost on her.

Suggesting Buttercup for the Hunger Games because of his ugliness will get Prim and her mother really mad at me.

Giving Johanna Mason some of my alcohol will only increase her tendency to strip, not decrease it.

Starting a betting pool among my fellow mentors on which tribute is going to die first/last or anything else related to death isn't a good way to get rich quick.

Saying "Beam him/her up, Scotty!" when a hovercraft removes the victor or dead bodies from the Hunger Games really isn't funny. It's morbid.

I'm not allowed to tell President Snow to 'Get a life'.

Cato didn't need Anger Management classes.

Crosswiring people's mentoring stations so District 4 sends District 8 sponsors' gifts, etc. will only result in the other mentors wanting to kill me.

Letting spiders loose in Brutus' room and hearing him scream like a girl might be funny to all of us, but Brutus and Enobaria will kill us for it.

Suggesting red shirts for the tributes just puts everyone in a bad mood.

I must not perform "Hunger Games: The Full Monty", nor should I encourage others to do so.

My title is Haymitch Abernathy, not Emperor Haymitch Abernathy, supreme ruler of Panem. Snow would kill me.

Beetee and Wiress blow things up. I do not.

Putting itching powder in Finnick's shirt really has a predictable reaction.

Putting itching powder in the tributes' shirts isn't very nice, especially since they're all going to die.

Putting itching powder in any of the other mentors' shirts will not cause any of them except Finnick and Johanna to walk around shirtless.

Okay. Putting itching powder in Snow's clothing is just going too far. And asking for it.

Tributes are human lives, albeit condemned ones. That means that I cannot allow Katniss to use any of them for target practice.

Experimenting with the force fields by tossing objects into them will only get me in trouble. Especially assuming some of the objects.

Singing 'The Lumberjack Song' in front of anyone from District 7 will make them very mad, not cause them to laugh

Cannot sing 'If You're Happy and You Know It'. Anywhere.

Impersonating Snow, Beetee, Wiress, Finnick, Johanna, Enobaria, Gloss, Cashmere, Mags, Annie, either of the morphlings, Katniss, Gale, Peeta, Coin, or anyone else is funny until they learn about it.

Asking Beetee or Wiress to rig bombs to blow up the presidential mansion is too logical.

I cannot ask any victors how old they _really _are.

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**Author's note: **_Short, I know, but I may or may not publish another fifty some time. Depends on the reviewers. If you want me to continue or have suggestions, you know who to call!_

_Also, can anyone guess my favorite characters among the past victors?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: **_And we're back, folks!

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Just because Annie Cresta's insane doesn't mean that I should say, "Well, I know this great asylum…". Finnick will murder me.

The same applies to Wiress.

It doesn't matter that District 1 is filled with pretty-boys and pansies, saying anything to that effect in front of the District 1 mentors will just make enemies.

Cinna has never even heard of Lady GaGa, much less designed for her.

Photoshoping incriminating pictures of Snow and Coin. Bad idea.

Posting said pictures on the internet. Worse idea.

When I see Snow in a bar, I cannot offer him alcohol. Three words: it affects him. Badly.

I cannot offer any of the others alcohol either. I have a surprisingly high tolerance which none of the others have.

I cannot hide whenever Annie Cresta approaches, then whisper that she's beginning to hear the voices of the dead tributes from her games.

Finnick Odair is the only tribute who gets to be shirtless in public. I am not allowed to.

Johanna will accept my dare and be naked in public for five hours, so I'm not allowed to dare her to do it.

Snow never used the name Tom Marvolo Riddle.

Or Voldemort.

I cannot play matchmaker. Whether I'm drunk or not makes no difference; I'll make terrible choices either way.

I cannot hire a personal assassin to get rid of Enobaria.

Even though she terrifies literally all of the mentors except Brutus.

Even though I sleep with a knife, I cannot knife President Snow and claim that I was sleepwalking.

The one thing President Coin needs is not 'a big hug'.

The same applies to President Snow.

Finnick's theme isn't 'I'm too Sexy'.

Or 'Sexy Back'.

Or 'Sexy B***h'

I am not allowed to pick Finnick's theme music at all.

I shouldn't even ask if lightsabers will be included in the games, as I already know the answer.

When I hear explosions, I'm not allowed to immediately blame the District Three duo.

Particularly when they are in the room with me at the time.

I can, however, look accusingly at Gale and claim that he plotted it.

*Just added* Unless I want to be severely mauled, I am not allowed to look accusingly at Gale.

Fangirls will never be a trap in the hunger games.

So I might as well not train my tributes to resist them.

Not allowed to take any chariots out for a joyride.

Not allowed to wolf-whistle, clap, cheer, or shout "Get some!" whenever Finnick and Annie kiss, nor may I encourage others to do so.

The same applies to Katniss and Peeta.

I cannot host special mentor movie nights and play pre-dark days slasher movies.

"To arms, Narnia!" isn't the battle cry of the rebellion.

"Tonight, we dine in hell!" isn't either.

Asking Finnick how the werewolf tribe is holding up is a joke that is lost on him.

No matter how much I want to see it, Snow will never dress in drag, so I shouldn't send him encouraging emails.

I cannot refer to Gloss as 'The Creature From the Black Lagoon'.

I cannot tell Enobaria that the REAL reason we all stay away from her is because she has bad breath.

I cannot steal Beetee's glasses, then point and laugh after he bumps into things.

Starting prank wars is just a no-no.

Setting fire to giant wax statues of Snow, videotaping them, and sending them to Snow is a sure way to get killed.

I cannot claim I am a pyromaniac and weasel my way out of it.

Trying to start a radio talk show to 'take my mind off the events of the rebellion' will go over badly with Plutarch and Paylor.

I cannot dress up in a black robe, grab a vaguely creepy helmet, and start spinning around like a crazy person on Snow's front lawn while shrieking like a cat, asking him to give me all his power.

As he is not a _Legend of Zelda _fan, he will not get the joke.

Even if he was, claiming I am perfecting my 'Zant Routine' will not make him laugh

I cannot decorate Snow's mansion for Christmas.

_Especially _if I intend to include mistletoe.

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I'm sorry if these weren't as good as last time's, if you have any suggestions, please let me know.

Also, congrats to everyone who guessed Katniss, Haymitch, Johanna, Beetee, Wiress, Finnick, or Annie for my favorite characters. Yes, they are my favorites.

My question this time: Where are the quotes from the 'battle cry of the rebellion' from?

Finally, thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed! You guys rock! *Gives chocolate chip cookies* Please review again?


	3. APRIL FOOLS SPECIAL!

**APRIL FOOLS SPECIAL!**

**Author's note: **_Finally, I am actually submitting something on time! YAY!_

_Anyway, this is a special list featuring only April Fools shenanigans that Haymitch may not partake in. _

_Also, this one is shorter because I had to submit it on time. And it's the last chapter…_

_HEHE! APRIL FOOLS!_

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Telling Annie about an asylum is one thing. Giving the asylum's address to her when she's looking for Finnick's house is another.

When one of those Capitol snobs orders Finnick for some… ahem, room service, I cannot drop in instead. No one wants me for a reason.

I cannot replace Cashmere's shampoo with gray hair dye.

I cannot give Beetee or Wiress exploding lightbulbs, then laugh when they flip the switches.

No matter how much I bribe him, Beetee won't hack into the airwaves for me so that I can be broadcasted to every home in Panem singing bawdy drinking songs.

I cannot pour salt into Snow's coffee. For some reason, laughing and saying 'April Fools' doesn't lighten my punishment.

I cannot send Snow a man-eating Venus flytrap named Fluffy and claim it is Biollante's final form*

Okay, I can't do any pranks involving Snow.

Except tell him I blew up his mansion.

Wait a sec. I can't do that, either.

Taking a can of Silly String out of my backpack and shooting anyone with it isn't a prank. Rather, it is just stupid.**

Telling anyone that I put poison in the food is surprisingly harmful to my health, especially since they take me seriously.

Actually putting poison in Brutus or Enobaria's food isn't much better of an idea. It takes surprisingly long to kick in.

Proposing marriage to any of the female victors is surprisingly taken seriously.

Proposing marriage to Katniss is just wrong.

Especially in front of Gale.

Or Peeta.

I should not even think about proposing marriage to Coin. She doesn't think it's funny.

You know what? It's a bad idea to prank Coin as well.

I cannot give anyone unneeded morphling 'just to see what happens'.

I cannot damage any of Effie's schedules. She might kill me.

I cannot send any tributes pieces of paper saying 'April Fools!' That is just mean.

I cannot say that I saw any of the dead tributes wandering around. That scares and upsets people.

Superglue-ing one of those tree costumes to Johanna while she's asleep is a sure way to make enemies.

I cannot tell my audiences that this is the last chapter of the fic. First of all, it's not. Second of all, Zelda12343 will hunt me down and attack me.

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*Okay, about that, Biollante was a giant monster made of the DNA of roses and humans. I figured Snow would like her since she's basically a giant, evil rose.

**This actually happened to one of my friends. And he claimed that it was 'not a prank, just stupid'.

_I'll be using all the suggestions for next chapter (Thanks to everyone who gave me suggestions *Hands Cookies)_


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